Hard to believe it's been almost a year since my big party (and arguably the best page party ever, but maybe because it wasn't truly a page party afterall), almost a year since I lived in Marty's room in West Hollywood, almost a year since I last saw him. And yet, he still has me so perplexed and angsty over something that never happened.
Maybe it's precisely because nothing ever happened, but the promise, the underlying tension and motive, was always there. Because he left before admitting his feelings, the coward's move that can be questioned why he brought it up at all if not to give me false hope and turn my fleeting attraction into something much more. Especially since at the time I was wrapped up in my lust after another, barely noting him on my radar until after he divulged his secret, that it "took him everything he had not to crush on me too hard".
It's been a year, and we've continued the flirtatious banter where it can never be told how much of the truth is intermingled in the words, or if they're just empty words after all. There's been a plea to run away and spend a year at sea, an invitation to join him traipsing about Europe, undelivered love letters, and a marriage proposal.
I got over most of this as time passed and I realized none of these promises were ever intended to be kept. I moved on to other boys and angsty crushes.
But then I moved home and began feeling lost and a little lonely. I'd left all my friends and ex-cohorts in LA and was restrained to old high school friends I'd long since lost regular contact with, and my Mother. Not particularly good at meeting new people and missing the emotions - the feeling of emotions - that come with crushing and flirting with a guy.
The pictures of him, posed with a girl that looks exactly his type, nestled onto his chest, might be part of the cause of the angst lately as well. He's obviously moved on, and I'm still stuck with his random promising messages. Like how I should join him abroad (yea, right, because he really wants me to come when he's got some girl with him... empty invitation, that one is).
It also doesn't help that I went to Maymont the other day... Maymont is this park in Richmond that I've been going to since I was a kid... there's all sorts of gardens and fountains and animals... it's also one of the places I've considered for when I get married, and the place I had in mind when I told him, in response to his facebook marriage proposal, "I'm thinking a small wedding at a park back home in VA". So I took a picture of the Italian gardens, where they have chairs set up for weddings, uploaded it to facebook, and tagged him in it. His response? A smiley face along with the statement that he liked it, liked that I'd tagged him in my dream wedding scenario.
What a tease, and SUCH a guy.
I'm moving on this time, I promise.
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