I’m getting really burned out on the whole dating thing.
Since moving to LA, there have been a dozen or so boys that I’ve entertained the idea of dating. Some of them only a few days, others months. Some have been simple drunken makeout/hookups, others considerations for relationships. Yet I haven’t had a boyfriend since high school.
Most of the guys I like because they’re a challenge. I know I can’t have them, so it makes me want them more. Once they actually show interest, I run away. If they show interest, that is. Most of them, I crush hard on… angsting over every minute detail and over-analyzing every word, every text message, every moment I don’t hear from them. And then I move on.
Of the 14 or so (and these are just the ones I’m counting), I’ve been in love with one (or at least what I think is love), and he’s probably one of the reasons for my year of trust issues and flighty behavior. Two have been really into me, but I couldn’t force myself to like them (though I tried), even though they’re good guys who would treat me right. Three were one-night makeouts (though one is still a contender for a repeat or a step forward), and one was a two week fling. One was a friend I developed feelings for because he was nice to me, but the feelings weren’t mutual. Two were ex-roommates. One waited to tell me he had feelings for me until he moved away to Oregon, and one I told right before he left for Japan. One I met at Price, facebook wall messaged back and forth, and then never heard from again. One was a backup bassist for a well known band, another a “manager” of a band fronted by a popular (in the teen realm) actor. Two were just fun to flirt with, but had reputations of being players and nothing ever came of them. And one I met on set, my on set crush, but nothing’s happened, and I fear it never will.
14 different guys, different personalities, looks, and astrological signs (I used to be into that but have since given up). 14 failures.
When I complained about the latest, and my fears and over-developed self-doubt took hold, my roommate told me we should find me a new guy… but the thought of doing it all over again… meeting someone, going through the “talking” phases, the personal drama of “does he like me? does he not like me?” and the hours of staring at a phone that doesn’t beep with a new text message, all for nothing… and I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to give up on this one just yet, but I’m tired of making excuses.
Can’t people just be straightforward these days? Why must I have countless “hang out” dates (don’t get me started on the lack of proper dating these days) but still be single? If you like me, grow a pair and tell me. Or kiss me. And if you don’t like me, stop acting like you do.
"Most of the guys I like because they’re a challenge. I know I can’t have them, so it makes me want them more. Once they actually show interest, I run away."
ReplyDelete- This reminds me a lot about a friend of mine. When a guy she likes finally proposed his feelings for her, she lost her interest. She said she's just too scared to open up. But so far, she's enjoying her life as a single working girl.=)
I think you don't protect your interests as much as a potential candidates. You need a no bullshit policy,in some ways it is your fault for making excuses, e.g the on set crush. You need to learn when to let go and truly let go an move on.
ReplyDeleteI like you.
ReplyDeleteSo much so that I've left something on my blog for you.