I love fishes cus they're so delicious

I’m kind of a mess when it comes to guys. In my everyday life, and when I’m flirting, I have this big aura of confidence surrounding me, complete with hair tease and dimpled smile. But get me in a situation with a boy that could potentially be “someone” and not just “some boy,” my insecurities flare up as a cautionary warning to myself.

Don’t get too close.

I have trust issues with men. They stem back to my father and the way he pitted myself and my sister against one another, how he talked about my mom after they divorced, how he left everyone except me before, in turn, I was left too. My string of barely-there relationships and flings hasn’t helped. Nor has my tendency to fall for those I can’t have, especially when they

A) act interested but really aren’t

B) are interested but don’t say anything until it’s too late (i.e. they move away, get another girlfriend, etc)

It makes me feel unworthy, makes me question why a guy would choose me over the rest of their options. I overanalyze every minute detail and exhaust my friends worrying about it. I worry that once they get to know me, my ridiculous “tweeny” obsessions and my personal baggage, there’s no way they could want me.

And then comes my latest dilemma, which has always been an issue brewing under the surface but has finally decided to mix with the other ingredients and make a stew of shitty guys: sex. Or, to be more accurate, the lack thereof. In some ways, it’s a blessing, because I have an immediate way of knowing if a guy is worth it, if he’s a good guy who’s interested in me and not just sleeping with me. Generally, they run. Like Penelope’s suitors – jumping out windows, the whole 9 yards of disrespect.

So when I meet a new guy, one that seems, at first, to be different from the rest, I’m hesitant to mention this little snippet of important information. It will come up, it always does, but I want to hold on as long as I can before he, too, runs away. Because they always do. They’ve caught me, the fish that’s afraid of settling, but received no reward. And all the “different” guys turn out to be not so different after all.

My lack of experience, while one of my biggest insecurities, is also one of the things I’m most proud of. With the constant images of teenage sex, the media has us believe that to be a virgin is a rarity, especially those in their 20’s. But in life, I’ve found this to be wrong. A good number of the people I know, all in their 20’s, have never had sex. A few guys included. Maybe it’s where we were raised, and how, or maybe it’s just the company I keep, but we have an immediate bond because of it. Responses to my own status are everywhere from criticism, curiosity, and respect. But with guys hoping to get laid, it’s an issue.

Here’s to hoping I’m wrong this time.