If you'd asked me when I was 3, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I probably would've answered with certainty either that I wanted to be Wendy Darling, or that growing up would be suspended indefinitely, as I planned on living with Peter in Neverland.
If you'd asked me when I was 10, I would've said a drummer, touring the world with my bandmates, having fans chant our band name until hoarse, causing goosebumps to prickle the back of my neck and arms as I twirled my sticks in anticipation.
At 14, I'd moved on from Hanson-style band to a girl group a la *NSYNC. My friends and I would get together once a week or so to "practice," writing songs and singing "The Star Spangled Banner" and *NSYNC songs into a Playskool cassette player with microphone. At this point, I truly believed I would have to leave school before graduation, finishing my education via tutor on the road.
As high school neared it's end, and I realized I, too, would be walking across that stage in my white gown with my fellow classmates, no platinum albums hanging on my wall, my dreams shifted once again. I discovered the Communications program and my love of film. I'm not sure what it was exactly that shifted my attention from being a musician to a director, but something did. Senior year, I went from drumline captain and a member of every school band to not caring anymore. I still participated in marching band, but I spent my study block in the Communications classroom/Black Box rather than the band room. I wrote and directed my first music video, and was the anchor for the school's news-style announcements.
When I graduated, I chose UNC Wilmington over UT Knoxville, my preference of film over band finally allowing itself to truly take shape. UT lacks a film program, UNCW lacks marching band (and football, for that matter). My transformation was complete.
But now, here I am, 22 and in Los Angeles, and I fear my mind is beginning to change once again. I graduated film school in May 2008 and immediately moved to LA to pursue a film career. Since, I've worked in casting, music promotion and licensing, audience wrangling for reality-based tv programs, and now for web series pilots. I've been in all three stages of production, and I'm not sure I've really found what I want to do.
When people ask (it's a favorite question), I always say I want to be a writer/director. But do I really? I lack the confidence in my abilities to be either, and I hate the bullshit that wraps itself around those titles.
Sometimes I miss playing drums, and being part of a band, and I wonder if I made the right decision in switching my allegiance over. Sometimes I entertain the idea of getting my teacher's certification and just living an ordinary life, away from the grueling hours and loneliness of the entertainment industry. But I know I would miss it.
Maybe my 3 year old self had it right: a lifetime of fighting pirates and loving Peter, of dancing with fairies and flying the winds. But isn't that filmmaking, after all?
Keep on dreaming. That's whats it all about, you never have to give up one dream to pursue another. You can do it all if you want, you are only 22. Give yourself time.
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