Things All Come Crashing Down

10. Write a poem every two weeks


I've been really, really bad about this one. The numbers I'm behind will come crashing upon me, but then I'll be sitting one day, feeling really depressed, drinking coffee and sitting outside, relishing the cold, and I'll write 5 at a time. 


Last week was really rough. Depression and panic attacks run in my family. Normally, I'm a really strong person, choking back tears and working through the pain. As much as I love my bed and brooding, I'm not one to drop everything for it. Though I do tend to let my emotions rule me. But lately, everything's been building up and building up, and without a release. Then last week it happened. And I literally could. not. stop. crying. I'd go in the bathroom, stare at my bloodshot eyes, wipe away the tear-streaked mascara, and be reasonably good to go. But as soon as anyone looked at me, much less spoke to me, the traitor tears seeped out the corners of my eyes and trickled down my already wet cheeks. I escaped outside and my chest heaved up and down. 


Is this what I want to do? Why am I not happy? Why can't I get a boy to commit to being more than just friends with the occasional benefits? Is this where I want to be? etc


So I did what I normally do in times of sadness... whipped out the pen andsome blank paper my laptop, and wrote a poem. It's not great, but I don't like editing poetry because it loses the emotion that was present in the first draft.

the tears they won't stop dripping

falling down my 

pale, dry cheeks

now stained with salty moisture

the corners of my 

Christmas colored eyes

gathering pools 

that fill to the brim 

then overflow

a simple word spoken

a glance in my direction.

When I'm left alone

I mask the sorrow

let the tears collect

behind my glassy eyes,

but the moment I'm confronted

the mask tears away

and they fall

Gentle, singular droplets

become many

forceful

gasping 

heaving 

sobs

a panic attack.

I move outside,

let the cool air burn,

fighting the breakdown,

the depression,

the anxiety 

that will hit the moment I'm in solitary

confinement

no souls around to hurt me

to see me

when I will finally burst.

I want to sleep the pain away.