I would consider myself an empath. The Peter Petrelli of Heroes, the Jasper of Twilight. Not necessarily with real people, though. More like... characters.
Ever since I was little, I would become so enraptured with a character that I would try so hard to mimic them, to become them. This continued well into my teen years, though it was a little less obvious, and if you look hard enough, you can still see traces in my present life. What evolved from literally becoming a character is a subtle mimicry, usually noticed in clothing ensembles rather than the shedding of my own personality to incorporate the new one.
It's why I love film so much. It allows me to completely engross myself in these characters and their stories, to experience a multitude of lives and emotions. A good film can take a lot out of me. I find a character and relate to them, feel their emotions, my heart aching with the loss they feel. I know, I'm a weirdo. You could psychoanalyze me and say it's a coping mechanism, a distraction from reality, a means of dealing with the pain and fear of an "ordinary" life, etc. It's one of the building blocks of my dreamer personality, my optimism, but also my depression. I always felt I was meant for something greater. So instead, I live through others. I feel their embarrassment, their heartache, their joy.
So let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? And then you can see just how odd I really am. In multiple parts.
THE BEGINNING/WHEN MY PARENTS STARTED WORRYING ABOUT ME
It all started one fateful Christmas in the late 1980s. I was maybe two or three at the time, and my Grandmother took me to the Richmond Ballet's performance of The Nutcracker. I think this is when my older sister still talked for me, so I guess me babbling throughout the performance wasn't really a problem. I'm just surprised I understood what was going on enough for the following events to transpire. Maybe they gave me a play-by-play storybook style.
So I come home, mesmerized by this beautiful dancing story I'd just seen, with a pretty girl, a knight, and evil rats that had to be fought off. It was fantasmical (I don't know if that's a word but if not I now claim it is) and was nothing like the life sans swords and adventure I was leading. So what did I do?
Everything I could to make the story true to me.
- I carried around a nutcracker, slept with it even, waiting for my crazy uncle to turn it alive.
- I wrote "Clara" on my preschool papers and made my own family call me by that name.
- I took dance lessons
- I did everything my child self could do to ensure The Nutcracker would come rescue me.
Damn him, he never did.
Good thing I didn't decide to make dancing my livelihood after this though. Considering I'm clumsier then Bella Swan (okay maybe not that bad) and don't exactly have that tall, thin, lanky body being a dancer requires. Saved myself a life of anorexia/bulimia and insecurity, I did. Oh wait...
Coming up: How I was whisked away to Never-Never Land and told to live in a shack.
photos courtesy of Google Images
Post-related Comment:
ReplyDeleteYeah I had the same delusion that someone would come save me after watching Cinderella.
Never happened.
Bummer.
Unrelated-to-post-Comment:
YOU'VE ONLY SEEN ONE EPISODE OF CURB? Okay, well I guess that's better than some of these other people who have never seen ANY episode of Curb.
But still. This is such a disappointment. I must write a post and educate you people about Curb Your Enthusiasm and why it's awesome.
wow, just you're a blog friend / reader of Cheryl from Confession Of Twenty Something Years Old. Me and a bunch of friends are trying to get her to be featured in 20SB for February.
ReplyDeleteSo if you have an account in 20-Something Bloggers please help vote for her. All you have to do is visit here and write "I vote for Cheryl from Confession Of Twenty-Something Years Old" or "I second this nomination" :Dthanks so much before, I hope you participate!
ps. Impersonating a ballerina sounds awesome. I used to mimic my favorite characters too but instead of someone as graceful, I mimic pink ranger. That is SAD.:p
I grew up with the same mentality. Keep thinking I'll be famous in my next life...but fear I would turn out like LiLo.
ReplyDeleteLet's see, totally had a Clara crush. Wore my hair like her to every Nutcracker in case she was sick and I had to fill in.
Cindel from the Ewoks, Wendy from Peter Pan, Ariel from the Little Mermaid...*sigh* You're not alone. For me, identifying to movies and characters was about understanding a whole story. I knew what the end would be like, I knew everything would come out okay...which is not the case in real life. Very scary, the unknown.